Parenting through the lens of attachment II

When Peer Attachments Prevail

In the first part of this series, we looked at the development of a youth culture over the last half-century, and a rather strong, influential one at that.  What this has resulted in is a strengthening of attachments between children/teens (peer attachments) and a weakening of those between parents/other significant adults and children/teens (adult attachments).

Children and teens are much more likely to look to one another for guidance and cues as to how to behave than to adults.  When this occurs some distressing things happen.  A look at some of psychologist Gordon Neufeld’s and physician Gabor Mate’s most salient findings on this subject from their book “Hold Onto Your Kids: Why parents need to matter more than peers” (Ballantine Books, 2006) is instructive:  

•        The authors’ review of the scientific literature shows that in a peer-oriented culture, youth are more likely to exhibit an exaggerated counter-will or tendency to be oppositional toward parents.   In the normal course of development, children and teens exert their counter-will as they move toward more autonomy.  Problem is, it is a false autonomy as there is a huge dependence on peers and the youth culture – looking to peers who are likely in no more of a position to provide good modeling or guidance than they. 

•        A dominant youth culture is one that is ephemeral, closed off, and intolerant of those who are different.  There is no universal culture, no universal code of conduct that has been received from our ancestors nor any to pass down to our descendents.   The street gang is the caricature of the youth culture; its members make up their own rules and woe unto those who are not included in their membership. 

•        So insecure are peer attachments that young people become preoccupied with them.  If they are not seeking out peers with whom to attach they st